I was listening to Christina Aguilera's track "Hurt" a few minutes ago, because it reminded me of an ex-girlfriend. I don't know why I was even thinking about her, but those things happen doesn't it? In some ways, I played the song to see if the emotions were there like they were when she first played it to me. I have to confess, it brought back memories of the night. However, I listened to the song and tried to feel/understand the emotions she felt that night!!!
That "relationship" was one of the craziest thing that I had EVER done. It started on myspace (lol). I was sitting here at my computer one night in January 2007, just typing away to my friends. When, I received a message from a girl. My heritage is Caribbean, and I had a picture of my country's flag on my myspace page. Her message said that she had recently spent her holiday in my country of origin. From that, we chatted until the late hours of the night/early hours of the morning.
For some strange, bizarre, random reason, I kind of felt a connection with her. I know, it does sound crazy. But, I certainly felt something there, and it wasn't on a sexual or even physical level (certainly couldn't be physical cos it was just an online thing) or whether it was because I wanted to feel something, I don't know. For, I checked out her pictures, and I didn't think instantly, "oh, she's HOT!!".
Anyway, from that moment on, we chatted online for up to 4/5 hours each night. One night, I noticed that she said she and her girlfriend went on holiday. I asked her if she was gay, and she said that she called her girl friends her "girlfriends" and her boy friends her "boyfriends". I didn't dwell further into this, cos, I know lots of people do this, the American way! So, we communicated to each other at every opportunity that we had free. I still didn't know her sexuality. I guess I kind of accepted that she was hetero and perhaps hung out with gays. I decided to take the plunge by asking her for her cellphone number. She replied, "I don't think my girl would be too happy if you called me when we were out together". I realised then that she had a girlfriend. Her attitude should have been the first warning of the messy situation that I was about to get myself into. However, I chose to ignore the sign, and replied,"so, we are never going to move beyond myspace communication??". She gave me her cell number straight after.
And so the madness began .....
We switched from online messaging to text messaging. Every single second of the day (I don't even recall the things we talked about). I don't remember how we started talking about "us", but we did. I do recall her playing that 10 steps forward and 1 step backward game, so, I could never quite work out how she felt about me. Although, I think I rationalised that she behaved that way because she was in a relationship. I knew that I liked her, but, I didn't tell her. I wanted to hear it from her. I guess after the umpteenth times of her playing her little mind games, I got fed-up and refused to reply to her messages. As such, she phoned me, and we talked. That was the first time we ever spoke. And, as someone who has a thing for accents, I fell for hers and was attracted to her even more . Likewise, she liked mine, and promptly sent me a message to let me know that. In some ways, I knew for certainty that she liked me more than she was letting on. As, I didn't think someone who just saw me as a friend would have, noticed those little details, much less, to pay compliment to itafter she got off the phone.
Alas, the mind games were still being played from her side. And, again, I got annoyed and ignored her text on another occasion. Presently, she rang me, one cold, dreary, windy day in February - a week before Valentine's day. She said she had just skipped work for a little bit to talk to me, and she was huddled in her car. I thought that was pretty endearing... and it gave me hope also! We chatted, and during that talk she asked me how I felt about her. I refused to tell her. My thinking was, well, she has the girlfriend and so, there is no way that I am going to put my emotions out there first. So, I turned the question back to her. She didn't say anything for awhile. And then she admitted that she liked me. My heart skipped a beat!!! Finally, I told her that I felt the same way, but, I said it didn't matter anyway because she was in a relationship. For the first time, she opened up and said the relationship wasn't a good one. She told me all the flaws of it and explained why she was still stuck in it. Finally, she said, "but that is my problem, it shouldn't affect us". Stupidly, I agreed!!!!!
Maybe it was a game for me also, to be the other woman. The bitch. The bit on the side. Perhaps deep down, I kind of thought it would be a thrill, a new experience, something to talk about to my friends. I did think about whether I could cope with being the mistress, ie., what if I fell for her and she never left her girlfriend, what ifs...what ifs.... went around my head. And in the end, the adventurous side in me took over and I thought, "fuck it... life's too short".
I never quite understood where I stood with her immediately after we both established our feelings for each other. I didn't question whether we were a couple, or whether she was going to say anything to her girlfriend. I simply accepted that we were not just friends anymore. After she got off the telephone, she sent me a text message asking if I really liked her, I said that I did. She made me promise her that I wouldn't send her a message later on which said that I was just kidding. I promised her, and I didn't....because, I wasn't kidding about my feelings. I was truly ecstatic!!!
That night, we chatted online for hours. Like a shaken bottle, our feelings literally exploded. We kind of had email sex that night. Shocking!!!!
The next day, I was telling one of my friends about it. When I received a message from her saying that she was going to talk to her girlfriend that day. I mentioned this to my friend, and my friend said, "she's going to break up with her". I didn't believe my friend. I thought it was a stupid thing. I mean, this girl hadn't met me in person, so, how could she break up with someone she had been with for nine months, give or take their relationship was sour, for an unknown? So, I texted her (I will call her Kayleigh as it's getting silly referring to her as her - though, that is what she is to me now ...nameless) and asked what she was going to talk to her girlfriend about. She didn't reply until later on in the evening to say that she had called off the relationship. Yes, I was truly happy ...but, as a human being, I did feel quite sorry for her girlfriend. See, that should have been the second warning that Kayleigh spelt trouble!!!
The demise of myself.....
Like all relationships at the beginning, Kayleigh and I chatted and laughed and sent each other lovely, sweet, sexy messages first thing in the mornings, all day and last thing at nights. I was enjoying being her lover, and hers mine - even if we hadn't yet met!!!!!! Pure bliss....
One Friday night she went out with her friends, I was so use to talking to her all the time, that I thought, "gosh, what am I going to do whilst she is out??" for I was staying in that night. I made plans to just catch up with DVDs. I was so surprised when she texted me all night whilst she was in a bar with her friend. And then she phoned me when she left club. The following Friday, I went out with my friends, and I didn't text her whilst out.
The following day, I received a bombard of angry messages from her about her disappointment that I hadn't called/texted her like she had done the previous week. I was shock. When she finally answered my phone call, I explained to her that I had never had to do that in previous relationships. If my partners were out and I wasn't, well that was just it, until we saw each other the next day. I said to her that I was surprised that she had texted me whilst out the Friday before, but, I wasn't expecting her to. I told her that as a compromise, the next time I was out, I would text her not when I was in the club (come on....) but when I enter and when I leave. She agreed.
Now, that was a third warning sign ... and evidence of possessive behaviour...
To be continued ......
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