...By hurtin' you ....!!!

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I was listening to Christina Aguilera's track "Hurt" a few minutes ago, because it reminded me of an ex-girlfriend. I don't know why I was even thinking about her, but those things happen doesn't it? In some ways, I played the song to see if the emotions were there like they were when she first played it to me. I have to confess, it brought back memories of the night. However, I listened to the song and tried to feel/understand the emotions she felt that night!!!

That "relationship" was one of the craziest thing that I had EVER done. It started on myspace (lol). I was sitting here at my computer one night in January 2007, just typing away to my friends. When, I received a message from a girl. My heritage is Caribbean, and I had a picture of my country's flag on my myspace page. Her message said that she had recently spent her holiday in my country of origin. From that, we chatted until the late hours of the night/early hours of the morning.

For some strange, bizarre, random reason, I kind of felt a connection with her. I know, it does sound crazy. But, I certainly felt something there, and it wasn't on a sexual or even physical level (certainly couldn't be physical cos it was just an online thing) or whether it was because I wanted to feel something, I don't know. For, I checked out her pictures, and I didn't think instantly, "oh, she's HOT!!".

Anyway, from that moment on, we chatted online for up to 4/5 hours each night. One night, I noticed that she said she and her girlfriend went on holiday. I asked her if she was gay, and she said that she called her girl friends her "girlfriends" and her boy friends her "boyfriends". I didn't dwell further into this, cos, I know lots of people do this, the American way! So, we communicated to each other at every opportunity that we had free. I still didn't know her sexuality. I guess I kind of accepted that she was hetero and perhaps hung out with gays. I decided to take the plunge by asking her for her cellphone number. She replied, "I don't think my girl would be too happy if you called me when we were out together". I realised then that she had a girlfriend. Her attitude should have been the first warning of the messy situation that I was about to get myself into. However, I chose to ignore the sign, and replied,"so, we are never going to move beyond myspace communication??". She gave me her cell number straight after.

And so the madness began .....

We switched from online messaging to text messaging. Every single second of the day (I don't even recall the things we talked about). I don't remember how we started talking about "us", but we did. I do recall her playing that 10 steps forward and 1 step backward game, so, I could never quite work out how she felt about me. Although, I think I rationalised that she behaved that way because she was in a relationship. I knew that I liked her, but, I didn't tell her. I wanted to hear it from her. I guess after the umpteenth times of her playing her little mind games, I got fed-up and refused to reply to her messages. As such, she phoned me, and we talked. That was the first time we ever spoke. And, as someone who has a thing for accents, I fell for hers and was attracted to her even more . Likewise, she liked mine, and promptly sent me a message to let me know that. In some ways, I knew for certainty that she liked me more than she was letting on. As, I didn't think someone who just saw me as a friend would have, noticed those little details, much less, to pay compliment to itafter she got off the phone.

Alas, the mind games were still being played from her side. And, again, I got annoyed and ignored her text on another occasion. Presently, she rang me, one cold, dreary, windy day in February - a week before Valentine's day. She said she had just skipped work for a little bit to talk to me, and she was huddled in her car. I thought that was pretty endearing... and it gave me hope also! We chatted, and during that talk she asked me how I felt about her. I refused to tell her. My thinking was, well, she has the girlfriend and so, there is no way that I am going to put my emotions out there first. So, I turned the question back to her. She didn't say anything for awhile. And then she admitted that she liked me. My heart skipped a beat!!! Finally, I told her that I felt the same way, but, I said it didn't matter anyway because she was in a relationship. For the first time, she opened up and said the relationship wasn't a good one. She told me all the flaws of it and explained why she was still stuck in it. Finally, she said, "but that is my problem, it shouldn't affect us". Stupidly, I agreed!!!!!

Maybe it was a game for me also, to be the other woman. The bitch. The bit on the side. Perhaps deep down, I kind of thought it would be a thrill, a new experience, something to talk about to my friends. I did think about whether I could cope with being the mistress, ie., what if I fell for her and she never left her girlfriend, what ifs...what ifs.... went around my head. And in the end, the adventurous side in me took over and I thought, "fuck it... life's too short".

I never quite understood where I stood with her immediately after we both established our feelings for each other. I didn't question whether we were a couple, or whether she was going to say anything to her girlfriend. I simply accepted that we were not just friends anymore. After she got off the telephone, she sent me a text message asking if I really liked her, I said that I did. She made me promise her that I wouldn't send her a message later on which said that I was just kidding. I promised her, and I didn't....because, I wasn't kidding about my feelings. I was truly ecstatic!!!

That night, we chatted online for hours. Like a shaken bottle, our feelings literally exploded. We kind of had email sex that night. Shocking!!!!

The next day, I was telling one of my friends about it. When I received a message from her saying that she was going to talk to her girlfriend that day. I mentioned this to my friend, and my friend said, "she's going to break up with her". I didn't believe my friend. I thought it was a stupid thing. I mean, this girl hadn't met me in person, so, how could she break up with someone she had been with for nine months, give or take their relationship was sour, for an unknown? So, I texted her (I will call her Kayleigh as it's getting silly referring to her as her - though, that is what she is to me now ...nameless) and asked what she was going to talk to her girlfriend about. She didn't reply until later on in the evening to say that she had called off the relationship. Yes, I was truly happy ...but, as a human being, I did feel quite sorry for her girlfriend. See, that should have been the second warning that Kayleigh spelt trouble!!!

The demise of myself.....

Like all relationships at the beginning, Kayleigh and I chatted and laughed and sent each other lovely, sweet, sexy messages first thing in the mornings, all day and last thing at nights. I was enjoying being her lover, and hers mine - even if we hadn't yet met!!!!!! Pure bliss....

One Friday night she went out with her friends, I was so use to talking to her all the time, that I thought, "gosh, what am I going to do whilst she is out??" for I was staying in that night. I made plans to just catch up with DVDs. I was so surprised when she texted me all night whilst she was in a bar with her friend. And then she phoned me when she left club. The following Friday, I went out with my friends, and I didn't text her whilst out.

The following day, I received a bombard of angry messages from her about her disappointment that I hadn't called/texted her like she had done the previous week. I was shock. When she finally answered my phone call, I explained to her that I had never had to do that in previous relationships. If my partners were out and I wasn't, well that was just it, until we saw each other the next day. I said to her that I was surprised that she had texted me whilst out the Friday before, but, I wasn't expecting her to. I told her that as a compromise, the next time I was out, I would text her not when I was in the club (come on....) but when I enter and when I leave. She agreed.

Now, that was a third warning sign ... and evidence of possessive behaviour...

To be continued ......

Overdraft and Loans...

When I get in one of my moods, I shut myself off from the whole world. I switch my cell phones off, refuse to pick up my land line, ignore emails, don't answer door and generally, just mull around in my own company. As I am a pretty sensitive soul, I react to the smallest of things (I'm learning to get over that though). So, two weeks ago, I had a fall -out with two of my friends. I truly considered them close friends and so I took the break-up very badly. As such, I went into my "shut myself off from the world mood". Finally, after a week I decided that I needed to get back into the real world!!!

I switched my cell on, to be bombarded with lots of text and voice messages, checked my hotmail, and, I daresay, an abundance of messages. I ignored all, except my mom's. Surprisingly, she left a short message saying that she was concerned about me for I hadn't been in contact, and she was willing to pay for me to go on a 2 weeks break to the Caribbean!!!

Wow ... I hear you say. But, although, my heart missed a beat for a second, I thought, "thanks, but no thanks". Number one, the trip costs around £900, number 2, I have priorities ie., finding a job and number 3, I just don't want her to fork out that amount of money for me to go someplace simply have FUN, FUN, FUN when she could use that money to help with her mortgage. I didn't reply to her message.

Later, I checked my bank balance, and saw that I had taken more money out of my account than I actually had. I had made four unauthorised transactions, and the thing with my bank is, for every unauthorised transaction, one is charged £25. So, I have an overdraft balance of £100 to pay by the end of the month! I don't get any cash until next week, so, I have to get the money from somewhere.

I thought about ringing my sister, but, I could already hear her voice, "you only call me when you want something!". This is so not the case. My sister and I were really close growing up, but as we got older we started to do things differently. As a lesbian, I only go to GAY clubs, and the majority of my friends are QUEER and we do lesbian activities (don't ask!). So, in all fairness, I don't spend that much time with my sister. But, I have always been there whenever she needed something. Like the time she had nowhere to stay, and I invited her to stay at my girlfriends house. Plus, even if I don't call her, she can use the initiative to call me up sometimes.

The next person, I thought about was my cousin. But, she's only returned from a week trip in Africa and I rationalised that she may not have the extra cash on the side. So, that left my mom. Sheepishly, I sent her a text message to say that I didn't want her to pay such a huge sum of money for me to go to the Caribbean, but, could she lend me £100. I've just received a text message, but, I haven't checked as yet to see if it is her ...I'll do it first thing in the morning...!!!

Tonight, I just wanna enjoy this strawberry cheese-cake and watch a good flick.

Jobs and Career

I'm 27 years old, and yet I am still unsure of where I want to go career-wise.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a Journalist, because of my love for writing. I wanted to be an author when I was old and retired. I wanted to write Judy Blume style books, these are focus at young people with stories of adolescent love, life and dramas. I use to spend my Summer holidays, unlike my friends who were out, locked in my bedroom typing away at my computer.

Just before I finished school, I got involved with a local newspaper as a Journalist. However, the task I was given was to write a piece on fashion, with a one week deadline. Whether it was the topic or the deadline (bearing in mind that I was also revising for my final year exams), it totally threw me off Journalism. In conjunction with a meeting that I later had with my student guidance counsellor, who told me that I was too quiet to be a Journalist, and she suggested, I became a TV Researcher instead. I did lots of "research" on this job role, and figured, actually, I do enjoy finding things out. So much so that, all my chosen subjects had been theory based rather than practical. Wow, getting paid to do something that I actually loved doing anyway seemed a blast!

So, onto University with the idea that, I would go into television after. I chose a BA in Media Arts. Media Arts over Media Studies, for the degree offered opportunity to expand in the practical side of the Media. And, over the next three years, as well as learning about semantics (what the *!*?), popular culture, cultural institution, writing for media and representation of ethnicity in the media. I also developed skills in photography, writing for a radio station, vox-pop, sound engineering and film-making. I realised that, as much as I did enjoy the theories, I had a great passion for the hands-on approach also. And, this kind of made me sway away from becoming a TV Researcher. However, by reeling away from that career, it left me with too, too many options!!!!

Left University with a degree in Media Arts, and returned home. I wanted to give something back, so, I became a voluntary youth worker where I taught young people English and Maths in weekend clubs. And, I also assisted in organizing local carnivals and activities for under-privileged kids. I had the most amazing time ....EVER!!!! But, sad to say this, but I didn't feel fully satisfied. Whether it was because I was not being paid, or, because my parents were pressuring me to find a "proper" job. I just couldn't enjoy the moment and be HAPPY. So, after less than a year, I left.

I joined a prestigious Government department as an Administrator, later becoming a Secretary. However, I detested it. Too many protocols and a very gradist environment. It just didn't fit my personality. I stayed there for three years though for it enabled me to develop my office skills.... plus, it gave me enough cash to be out wih my friends at the weekend. And guess what, when I eventually left, because I had worked in a government department, I was offered a PA role in a similar organization. Foolishly, I accepted ... but left after less than a week!!!! I became a Police Officer after, and left that shortly after also.....

So, this is where I am now. Contemplating my next move. But as a firm believer in solutions over problems, I know this will be answered. I've narrowed it down to:

• Working in an organisation that helps young people, ie., UNICEF



• Working with a charitable organisation ie., OXFAM

To do this I may have to start at a junior/secretarial level. However, I want to get more involve in shaping/changing policies. In order to do this, I will have to gain a Masters degree, perhaps in Social Policy and Administration. Yet, I am very interested in Psychology also.

Ok ... I am going to get ready for Church now. That's another blog entry for tomorrow....!!!!

Namaste.

Get ya freak on ....'cos it's Saturday...!!!!

Haha ... I look forward to the weekend. My favourite days of the week. I can go absolutely crazy with no feeling of guilt or remorse over excess and over-indulgence!!!! I look forward to my weekends, for it is the one time that I can catch up with my friends, albeit it, in a crowded, smoke-fill, (well not anymore due to the ban on smoking in public that was recently introduced) alcohol -fuelled environment. It is still a laugh.

However, due to recent events, which I will not discuss now, I don't drink when I am in a bar/club. At first, I thought that this would be tremendously difficult, for, I have been a party-freak since I was 14. And drinking since I was 14. So, after the recent event that occurred which I won't talk about now, I declined every single invite to clubs, bars and house-parties. I knew that I couldn't just chill indoors at the weekend and watch the days and thesun (especially now it is Summer) go by, so, I got involved in less self-destructive activities. (ok, I am not insinuating that partying is a self-destruction for the mass, but, for someone like me, it was a case of drinking until I literally blocked out and had no recollection of the night before...) I found myslf visiting museums more, attending fayres, visitng friends, having friends over for dinner, quiet walks.

Then, I decided to attend Gay Pride, as a way to test the boat, for, there's copious amount of alcohol on sale/offer. But, I reasoned that, even at Pride, there are loads of stuff to do other than drinking ie., chilling by the beach and unlike the nite-clubs, I can actually get into a conversation without shouting over the loud music. Yes, I headed off to Pride with a large group of 20 - 30 friends, associates, randoms.

Unbelievably, I did not desire a drink, furthermore, the weather was way too hot to get "bladdered". What was amazing was watching everyone else at different stages of intoxication. I missed it, but, I didn't want to be in that state that day, or the next day or AGAIN! "That use to be me", I kept repeating in my head. And, after the success of Pride, I have not shied away from any clubs, bars or parties. I go out and I stick to water. If I really want to rock the boat, I will have a Coke (which, I had previously detested due to the amount of sugar and acid it contains and I still refuse to purchase it during the week) because it does seem to give me a boost of energy. (I could have an energy drink, but, I've heard that it makes you tireless, and, I really love my bed)

The only thing about being in a state of sobriety is, I am not beer-goggled. So, if I was fussy before about the type of girls that I would dance with. I have become even pickier!!! And, contrary to belief, I actually feel so much more confident about approaching a girl than when I was drunk. This could also be translated loosely as a bit of cockiness also, but, I do feel a certain level of superiority knowing that I am the sober one!!!!

So, onwards and upwards for tonite as I meet the gang in the next few hours. Hairdone - check, new clothes - check, money -Mmmmm .... but, check ....

....Bottoms up....!!!!!!

Namaste.

My own "Rainbow Tribe"

I dream of having my own "Rainbow Tribe" ... adopting children of different races, cultures and diversity, and having them living under one roof. A huge roof, that is. Where they are given the best of everything! They will be taught the language , culture and religion of their background, whilst embodying the language, culture and religion of their adopted country and of their brothers and sisters. They will not desire for anything, for, all their wants and needs will be looked after. Yet, they will not be spoiled. They will be disciplined to understand that they are fortunate, but there are those who do not fair as well. They will learn to be good ambassadors, to represent themselves well in public and to speak out for injustice. They will be confident in their manner and speech. They will undertake roles in the community, using their privilige for the good of others. They will be knowledgable in the field of Art, acquiring skills too, in, performing/visual art, writing, martial art, music and dance. They will travel extensively, and not just stay in hotels, but to get acquainted with the culture of each country they visit. They will have pure, honest, meaningful love in their hearts. And transpire this to all they meet. They will lead a clean and healthy and just lifestyle.

I dream of having my own"Rainbow Tribe".

Thank you Josephine Baker.

Thank you Anjelina Jolie.

Thank you Mia Farrow.

For your true, honest inspiration of a life where all races can live as one.

Namaste.

Focus on the solution, not the problem ...

I go through the most amazing changes in 24 hours. I dragged myself out of bed this morning, thinking, "oh gosh, another day". I just wanna lay in bed all day. Being jobless and lacking a bit of self-motivation at the moment, I did the routine. After sayng my orning prayer, I dragged myself out of bed, switched on the computer to check my myspace, ignored the letters at the door, prepared and ate breakfast and then back to the computer to online chat.

This has been my lifestyle for the longest while.

And come the afternoon, I suddenly felt perky, for no random reason. Nothing hapened. Nobody said anything. Nothing had changed. Only intrinsically.

I guess there is some truth aboout, looking on the inside for happiness. For certainly at the moment, I don't really have much going for me externally to shout home about. I have no job, constantly broke and a huge over-draft to pay off. But, I guess I figured that, if I concentrate on these then I will just dwell into a depression. And, Saggitarians generally are positive people. So, I fit that trait to a tee.

So, I came up with the notion, focus on the solution and not the problem. Yes, I know this isn't a new philsophy, but, I actually feel like I've made it up!!!! And, whenever I think this, it just feels like all my problems are organized in my head, as oppose to me getting anxious about everything and working my brain into overdrive.

I feel like a new, mature, problem-solving creative person. The type of gal that I have wanted to be for the longest of time. And, I can't wait to start solving my life out of its current state.

So, for this weekend, I am just going to go out and think of solutions rater than problems ...!!!!!

Who I Am ....

I have great strength of character.

I have great belief in myself.

I am positive.

Confident.

Appealing.

I know right from wrong.

I am friendly, approachable and fair.

I like the simple things in life - the wind on my face, listening to the birds in the early morning, the gentle pitter-patter of the rain on my window, just having the basic food in the fridge or the "less is more" decor of my house.

I like being around individuals with depth of character, creativity and wit.

I like soulful beauty.

I life freshness/uniqueness/self-assurance/street.

Courage.

Self!

Music is my haven - escaping, romancing, fantasising, expressing, feenin', agreeing, painful, happy, joyous, ghetto, rock, dance, light, heavy, dark, peaceful, meditative, slow, fast.

Dancing is a strength - a freedom.

Writing is my soul.

Art is my joy.

Friends my family, Family my sanctuary.

His Holiness my guidance and free spirit.